nothing & everything

It's just a few hours to my departure to KL. I don't know why I should be here at this time. I kinda don't want to sleep since my mind is floating around everywhere thinking of the same thing again and again. It's so tiring, isn't it? Alright! Forget about that! So am I ready for the contest? Here is the check list:

- clothes ......... tick
- books ......... tick
- bus ticket ......... tick
- stationary ......... tick
- mp3 ......... tick
- laptop ......... just a few minutes after this
- ready for contest ......... hell no
- confident ......... not at all
- satisfied with team members ......... medium
- hope to be top 3 ......... pathetic
- ready for bad result ......... kind of
- motivated ......... sure
- happy ......... not at all

Wish me luck, guys!! Hope there will be a miracle!

Only a few days more and I'll have to join a programming contest in KL. The contest is called Al-khawarizmi Programming Contest 09. It is one of the contest under ACM-ICPC (International Collegiate Programming Contest). You can find the info here. In fact, I used to join this contest once last year and the result was not good enough. It was my first time participating in the contest and me and other in the team were not familiar with the system at all. We had problem with how to use the system and we ended up getting the 7th position. I'm not sure how many team participated but if I'm not mistaken, it should be around 40. We were not lucky enough. If only we were familiar with the system, we could get at least top 3 at that time.

How about now? I'm going to join it again and it will be my last time. I know how the system works now and there's no excuse to failure anymore. Guess what? I'm good when it comes to making excuse. Now I'm having problem with the team member. The contest is held during the final exam and my expected team members are having paper on that day. How bad it is! To be frank, I kinda lose the confidence already now. It is a programming contest and no matter how good I am, I can't cover everything by myself. There are many topics to cover and even though I know everything, it doesn't mean that I can code alone myself. Now I don't even know who are going to be the members in my team but what I'm sure of is that they can't be better than my expected members. Not to say I look down on them but the problem is coding style. Perhaps they are good at coding but if their style doesn't suit me, it's hard to work as a team. I really attempt the top 3 this time but when this news come to me, I kinda lose my hope. On top of that, I'm not that ready for it now. I stop practicing it for quite a long time so I have to revise it. I planned to start preparing right after I finish my last paper but until now I still cannot start. Whenever I want to start it, something bad always happen and I always have to do this and that all the time. If everything is alright, I'll have to go to KL on 22nd, which means I have only 2 days left to prepare. Oh gosh! Am I going to fail again? :(

Please! Luck be with me again!

You know what? I love writing (in fact, typing) so much, and that's also one of the reason why I created this blog. I want to have a place for me to write something. If only my English is better than this, I would have come up with a few books by myself. What I like the most is the novel-liked writing. I love writing something about life, activities and so on. I always write about what happened to me here in my blog, but guess what? Lately, I have to limit myself from writing here. The only reason is that I don't feel I have my own private time anymore. One thing about me is that when I feel that people know something which is very private for me, I just can't go on writing anymore. So why am I here today? Well, I don't want to destroy my routine so let me give it a try again.

If you are close to me, you would understand what kind of person I am. Perhaps you cannot understand me in every part but I'm sure that at least you know I love privacy. You can see from the way I live. I don't like people using my stuff without permission and I love staying alone in a close room with the light off and curtain close. That's me! I really hate the feeling when people interfere my private time. I know that I'm an emotional person. My friends said I'm as emotional as a girl and it was sarcastic at first. I listen to it so many times until I get used to it already. Yeah! I admit that I'm an emotional person and guy is not supposed to be too emotional but it's me and it's always me. If you don't like the way I am, then you can just choose to not make friend with me and I'm ok with that. I don't want people to mock at me esp when it comes to private matter. I also don't want people to pity me after they know I'm emotional. Well, I never have problem with that word, pity, before. What's wrong with just people feeling pity on me? It's ok! However, lately, I got another feeling which is that people look at me as pathetic. Yeah! I hate that! I totally do! I have my own reason when i do sth and I believe I'm in control of what I'm doing. Things might go out of control at times but it doesn't mean that I don't realize it so I'm not a pathetic guy as you thought.

You know what? I feel that luck is not with me anymore. I used to be one lucky guy. I've always been lazy but I never have problems with my performance. I never have problems when it comes to academic. Yeah! I'm not the best in the class but it's always be somewhere that I'm satisfied with. How about now? Not anymore! Everything I do is a mistake. Everything I do turn out to be bad even though my real intention is definitely good. I have a big problem with my academic and everything around me. I don't know what's going on with my life right now. I've always been on track but not anymore. I'm lost now! I don't know where I am and what I should do next. I feel bad nearly everyday. Well, I'm not saying that I'm a cheerful person. If you saw me before, you would know how dull I was. However, I was not that sad everyday. Although I didn't laugh, it doesn't mean I was sad. How about me now? Now it's the contrast. I smile and I laugh while I feel bad inside. For some people who just know me, they may think "what's wrong with this guy?"

Well, I don't think I can straightaway answer ur question. If you want to know, just get to know me more and you will find the answer by urself. You know what? Since I was born, I have many problems because I tend to look at things in a negative way, but for the things that trouble me very very much, I can remember only 4. When I was in high school, I got problem with my friend. I was too young I guess and I didn't really think much. I must admit that it was partially my mistake. That problem troubled me for quite some time. I had to talk about it with my other friends again and again. The 2nd time I had a big problem is about 2 years after I came here. Again, I got problem with another friend and it will never ever go back this time. I can remember clearly how stressful I was at that time. You know? When you are about to lose one close friend, it's just too hard to stop thinking about that. One more time is about 1 year ago. I got problem with another friend again and it took me months to set my mind back to normal. I couldn't do anything at all. It affected everything little thing that I did. I couldn't work, and I couldn't focus on study. I had to bear with it for months until everything got back to normal. How about the 4th time? The 4th time is now. I'm having a problem that is still unsolved. It is said that there are always solutions to everything, but I'm still waiting for it now. Honestly, I've never felt this bad before. Not a single day passed that I don't think about that matter. How stupid I am! I don't surrender easily, u know? But for this one, I'm just about to surrender. It's just hard to bear and I'm so tired with it. Very very tired indeed! Sometimes I think I'm too reasonable and my friend also said that to me. I try to balance things too much. I hate to be a bad guy but sometimes I feel that selfish is not really that bad as well. Don't ask me what I'm trying to say or what I'm going to do. I have no answer for you. I'm just going along the flow now! Let's see how and when the time will solve it out.

Ouch! It's too long again! It always happens when I'm getting quite emotional. Hmm.. I have more things to say but I shouldn't write everything here. It may kill the reader, I think. If you can read until here, I suggest you take rest for 5 minutes so that your eyes won't be tired. :)

16th of November 2009 marks the day of my unofficial graduation. After 4 years and a half staying here, everything is done now! I finished my last paper on that day and that's it. Yeah! You may wonder what I've been doing. It's already 2 days away now. Hmm.. answer is lazy & tired. I was so tired on that day cos of the 2 consecutive sleepless night. I guess I haven't recovered from that yet as I'm still feeling tired today. Another reason is lazy. Since I've finished everything, I kinda feel very lazy. Hm.. so how do I feel now? Nothing! I don't feel good nor bad at the moment. If you know me well, you wouldn't need to say congratulation or ask why I'm not thrilled about it. Yeah! It's graduation, so? To think of what's going to happen next scares me all the time. Never mind! Forget about it!

My papers are all done and yeah.... i screwed all of them. To be frank, I'm so worried about it now. I have only 4 courses to take this semester which is very very few. All the people tend to say that "ah.. only 4 course? You'll definitely get 4 flat". Well, somehow, I feel bad with that. I don't know! I feel that my performance is even worse than my previous semesters which I sometimes took 8 courses. I really don't know the reason but I believe that one of them is me myself. I'm getting too lazy compared to last time. That's very bad! After my last paper, I tried to calculate the mark for fun. My FYP tends to be C+ because my external examiner is not so generous with the mark. The other 3 papers were also screwed. It seems that my last paper tends to be another C+. If I get C+ for the other 2 courses, it means my GPA is going to be 2.75. Oh gosh! To think of the possibility that I can't even get 3.0 freaks me out. I don't know what I'm doing now! :(

Ok ok! Enough for that! Done is done! Let bygone be bygone. I'm graduated now even it's just an unofficial one. Another page of life is going to be written and I really don't want to put away this page at all. There are so many things written there and it would be sad to turn to another page and start it with blank line. Nvm! No one knows what is going to happen so let's wait and see together. Until then!

It's been a while!! I haven't updated this blog due to some personal problems. I guess I'm feeling a little better that's why I can be here to blog again. I hope everything is going to be fine. Anyway, just like what you can see in the image up there, I almost graduate. As I'm writing, there are not even 24 hours left until I graduate. Tomorrow is going to be my last paper and not only the last paper of this semester, but it's going to be the last paper for my entire academic year here. How sad it is!

This is my last year staying here, so I kinda feel nostalgic with everything that I do. It's just hard to believe that I'm down to my last paper this fast. It was just like yesterday that I entered UTP and now I gotta say goodbye soon. How sad how sad! Perhaps you think I'm weird. Some of my friends are so excited to leave here soon, while I'm not sure whether I should be happy or not. Two years ago, I was waiting anxiously for today. I wanted to graduate just like other and experience sth new. Everything changes completely after all these time. I really don't want to say goodbye at all, not at all. I miss everything here and I start to feel it even I'm not officially graduated yet. There are times that I feel home here in UTP rather than my real home. I'm going to miss everyone here whom I see them almost everyday. I'm going to miss all the activities we have done here together in UTP, all the mamak time, all the trips, going to lake, chit-chatting in the middle of the night, staying up late to see the sunshine, all the games I have played with my friends, the sport, the meal time, and not to forget to relief time after all the projects are finished. Oh gosh! How can I say them all here? There are just too many things happened and it's hard to say them all in words.

Well, if you let me write while I'm feeling like this, I can write until tomorrow. I have to force myself to put the full stop here. Before that, I want to talk a little about my exam. It seems that my last semester here is not that good. I have only 4 subjects in total (including FYP) which is about half less than what I normally take. Guess what? My performance is not good at all. No need to talk about FYP since it's confirmed that it will be screwed up. I have done 2 papers and none of them satisfied me. The first paper was easy. As soon as I glanced at the paper, I could tell which part they were from. It resembled the past year papers. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it cos I hadn't have enough time to prepare for it. Sth bad happened and it distracted me a lot. Ok fine! First paper is screwed up then why couldn't I do better in the 2nd one? It turned out that the 2nd one is not that easy. It was so tough for me. Well, I don't want to make excuse! Yeah! It's also partly my fault. I was thinking that it's ok because I also prepared much for my test 1, test 2, assignment and so on. I felt lazy until it was a bit late to read. I didn't have time to cover 1 or 2 topics and yeah it was out in the exam. How unlucky! But seriously, the paper was so tough! What he stressed in the class didn't seem to appear in the exam. :(

Alright alright! It's too long already! Tomorrow I got another paper and I haven't read it yet. I'm so tired right now cos I didn't sleep last night. I'm going to sleep a bit and will review tonight. It seems that I'm going to screw up another one which means I'm not going to score even one subject this sem. :) Wish me luck, guys!!

For the image, credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/lumaxart/2137729748/

I check my friends' blog as always and my friend, nurul, was talking about this career test. You can find the test here. Actually, they ask so many questions already and the result is mostly based on what u answered. I mean u already know who u r. Well, still, I mostly agree with the result. This is my result:

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to stimulate your senses and your mind, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

You heard me! It's DONE! "Done what? Done what?". The work is done! After 4+ years staying in UTP, this is the my very last project. I have just demonstrated the project this morning and now everything is done. No more assignment, no more project! I'm only waiting for the final exam after this. Eh! Don't ask about the project this morning cos hao ot leu te! hehe.. it was the suckestest project! Well, it's done anyway! After 2 sequential sleepless night, I'm now here at my desk feeling sick. Kinda feel that it's super cold here and for some reasons that I don't know, my roommate turn on the fan at high speed today. I feel like freezing! I still can't go to bed yet anyway cos I have a few little things to finish up before I can declare 'free" for today. I expect it to be done soon cos I miss my bed so bad now.

Well, feel bad about the project also! I should have done better. I don't want to give excuse that my schedule is pack even though it's somehow true. Compared to other, I'm not the worst case yet. There are people even more busy than me, so it can't be a reason. Anyway, done is done! Let's wait and see whether I get somewhere above the passing line or not for that project. By the way, on the way walking back from class, I kinda think of sth. You know? I have to leave soon so some memory kinda flash back. Who am I 4 years ago? hehe... I should write sth about it. Hmm.. until I have time and mood then. Alright! Time to finish up work then sleep! Later ne! :)

It's been about 5 days that I've never had a real smile . It was since Sunday I guess. I've been pulling my face all the time and not until a while ago that I can say I really smile. I'm tired of faking the smile already. I had to act like crazy to stop myself from thinking. Yab!! Hmm.. even if it's just a short time, it's worth it for me. Now I'm thinking of the same problem again and I can't really smile again. However, thinking of what just happened kinda lighten up my mood a bit. Thanks ne! :)

It was yesterday that I ended all the nightmare that has been haunting me for the whole year. Once again, FYP is DONE!! I can see all my friends are so happy. Everyone is so thrilled and now everyone is talking about party. They express their happiness in gtalk status, facebook, blogger and so on. Then how about me?

Yeah! I'm also happy that it's over. Hmm... I have to admit that I'm not excited right now but released, more like. I feel that I have dropped a mountain off my shoulder and my head. Come on! I'm supposed to be excited, right? I guess so but there are 2 things. I didn't finish my FYP well enough so I kinda enjoy the fact that it's finished rather than enjoying the achievement. I received quite many comments but it's over anyway. Another thing is the same problem that's been bothering me for several days. It's still there and I'm still trying to control myself. That's it!! Forget one thing! There is one thing that I learnt from my presentation yesterday - one day has 24 hours.

What's next? FYP is done but it's not holiday yet anyway! I still have some other things to handle. By the way, if you want me to do the count-down, then there are about 18 days to graduation. After all these many year, I'm down to my last 18 days of academic years in UTP. It's gonna be so hard to say goodbye!!!